Excerpt for Maybe This Time by , available in its entirety at Smashwords


Maybe This Time

By Steve R.

Published by Steve R. at Smashwords

Copyright 2017


Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.


Maybe this time,

maybe this time you will get sober,

maybe this time you will stay sober?

A true story about pain and heartache brought on by alcoholism, and the ugly scars left behind in its wake.

Steve R.


Maybe this time

maybe this time you will get sober,

maybe this time you will stay sober?


To all families

of those who suffer

from alcohol/drug addiction.

Author’s note

Some of the names and identifying details of the characters in this book have been changed to protect individual privacy and anonymity.

The Twelve Steps are reprinted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.  (“AAWS”) Permission to reprint the Twelve Steps does not mean that AAWS has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that AAWS necessarily agrees with the views expressed herein.  A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only - use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, or in any other non-A.A. context, does not imply otherwise.

Table of Contents




Chapter # 1 Hangover

Chapter # 2 Identifying

Chapter # 3 Victim

Chapter # 4 Awkwardness

Chapter # 5 Trapped

Chapter # 6 No cure

Chapter # 7 What to do

Chapter # 8 You will need help

Chapter # 9 Steps

Chapter # 10 Now defy the odds


Numbers to call for help

Serenity Prayer

About the Author


Abandoned inside uncertainty,

upon a world which can’t see.

Lies truth hidden from multitudes,

screaming to be free.

Grappling to be somebody,

shackled to the ground.

Urgently searching everywhere,

for that secret that can’t be found.

Concealed inside obsessions,

compulsions just to be.

Locked tight inside secrecy,

a code just for me.

Drifting alongside mountains,

a path toward destiny.

Can I find which I look for,

freedom of serenity

Come help me look,

two is better than one.

I need your support,

Creator of the sun.

Only you replace desire,

the monkey that I can’t lose.

A dependence that controls me,

birthed from drugs and booze.

No longer can I do this,

fight a fight I will never win.

Needing strength powerful than me,

to be able to live again.

Reaching out my arms,

lifting my head toward the sky.

Instruct me what to do,

to tell this demon goodbye.

No longer alone,

hiding under a skeletal tree.

Roving toward euphoria,

please come and help me.


Dempsee, when I asked for assistance from you concerning your doctor prescribe pharmaceutical experience, you not only came through for me. You were able to enlighten a dark world that many don’t even realize exists. Your honest sharing will help others to come out from the darkness that binds them; some may even find that freedom that has eluded them for way to long like you have.

Douglas, heartfelt thanks for your early contribution to this book, you were able to give me new insights into what I wanted to share. Your brilliance and professionalism in this subject matter opened up my creative mind and showed me a different way to share and tell this story. I will forever be indebted to you for your early help and support.

Dempsee and Douglas, by assisting me with this book you opened the window for many others to see, I can’t say thank you enough.

Definitions—Rhyme Zone internet


The world of addiction is a darkened abyss, waiting patiently to devour those still lost inside its insidious gates. As we listen to those cries of anguish and torment inside our troubled minds, our spirits stay troubled. Without a powerful merciful intervention, who knows what future those still lost inside must face?

Maybe this time’s story can reveal how God can grasp a desperate trembling hand and lead them out of the dark abyss that holds them captive, one day and one step at a time. If he did this wonderful miracle for me, He surely will do it for others.

This book will use a variety of simple analogies to illustrate personal experiences, experiences that helped me gain my own sobriety. They are just whispers of a true reality of where I came from, shadows left behind after escaping the darkness. The complex moments of uncertainty and clarity that marked my path to recovery, reflections that I care to share with those who desire to learn.

I pray that this story will impart a message of hope and courage to those still suffering from this sad disease. I hope that it mirrors the horrors of millions of like people, and shows how I was able to learn the truths that I can now share and write about candidly.

I was to discover in that wondrous journey that I partook in that insights weren’t any more than rearrangement of facts. Sometimes in life things happen for a reason, though that reason may not be apparent at first. With time though the facts of the complex puzzle pieces when assembled make complete sense. Once one understands how to assemble the puzzle, how to decipher what one has done. That vibrant brilliant light somehow seems to illuminate a path into a new dimension.

My hope is that my readers will experience a greater understanding of God’s Mercy and Grace, and their own capabilities. It doesn’t matter where you came from in life—where you are headed though is of the utmost importance. Inside this book you may come to recognize similarities to your own life, similarities that many alcoholics/addicts have endured over the years.

I have gained freedom from the obstacles that held me captive for most of my life, now I want to share those secrets that I learned over forty years. To share with you how I was able to leave behind problems that had previously shackled me, but now I am free from. Agree with me or disagree with me after you have read this book, we should all pray that those who seek help may find God's Grace.

Once, maybe even twice in a person's life, an opportunity can appear that can brush against that person’s soul. It can alter what they were destined to become. It can make an impression on broken hearts and tortured souls. These will be the evidence, the footprints that God will leave behind. I am one of those blessed individuals who have emerged Within God's Grace, to share His Merciful and Gracious message.

(This is a small booklet for such a huge problem.)

Chapter 1:---Hangovers

This book MAYBE THIS TIME was written for you, yes you the one who is reading it right now. Don’t say it wasn’t or it’s for somebody else, because it is not, it is for you. I wrote this book hoping to change just one person’s life; maybe you are that one person I have been looking for? You have nothing to lose and if you are reading this book, there is a high probability that you might need some help. So ask yourself this simple little question. Could this You be You or maybe even somebody You know? What the hell, you have nothing to lose anyways so give it a try.

So ask yourself are you like Steve the drunk who lives a defeated life like millions of other drunks. Swearing off alcohol a gazillion different times a day, only to find himself again back in that hopeless state of mind. Wondering and praying to himself everyday was there a way to make this madness stop, was there a way to stop this sad sick compulsion? If you aren’t Steve the drunk maybe you are Douglas the drug addict, or is it even possible that you could be Dempsee the cute little girl hooked on Doctor prescribed opioids? You might be that person who identifies with all three of these people, a compulsive obsessive personality who will take anything to escape the sickened twisted awkward reality of life.

There are statistics about how many people are addicted to one form of addictive drugs or another; we also know that there is no way to really get a true number. Never the less we guess it would be in the millions, many many millions of people to say the least. Most of these people will die a lonely miserable pathetic death; they will die not knowing that there was a way out for them. A way that they were never able to find for one reason or another, yet I don’t believe they were destined to die in their misery. There is a way out for them and this book will reveal that way, if that person is willing to give it a chance.

I am going to share that secret passage I discovered over forty years ago, a path that lead me out of the darkness. It was a way that allowed me to change my life from complete failure, into one of complete success. It allowed me to put the sixteen year drug and alcohol abuse away for good, while giving me new directions to follow in my new life.

An underserved gift so freely given to me, and now I want to share this gift with anyone who is willing to listen. Maybe just maybe I can reach one soul, maybe I can reach you?

So with that said I am not going to ask you to join Alcoholics Anonymous, nor will I ask you to join Narcotics Anonymous. I don’t want you to become a member of your neighborhood church, or even align yourself with one of your family religions. Don’t sign up for an extended stay at your local Alcoholic Therapist Half-Way House. Forget about the thirty, sixty, or even ninety day rehabilitation clinics down by the ocean, there is another way and I am going to share it with you. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do; you will make your own decisions about your own life, in your own time, in your own way.

If you or someone who loves you is reading this book there may be a way that will help you, an insight to help you with what has kept you in bondage for years and some of you decades. You might be asking yourself what is in it for me the author of this book, there is absolutely nothing I will get out of this book for me. This book you will be able to download for free, if you want a hard copy you will have to pay minimal fee. My fee will be if this book helps one person to escape the bondage of addiction, then I will be way over paid. With advancements in technology there is a good chance we can reach many people who suffer, people who will be willing to listen to what I have to say. After you have read this book and if you like what you read, share it with your friends.

All I ask is that you read this book with an open mind and be willing to make a few changes in your life if you think it could be beneficial to you. Also if it works for you that you carry this message to others like I have carried it to you. Remember, if you don’t like what you read here you can throw this book into the garbage can if you don’t agree with it (or delete it, it was free to begin with.) Maybe This Time will be written very bluntly and open, my intention is not to offend anybody. But if you are reading this book kitten gloves is not what you need, honesty is what you need. I am going to give you all the honesty that I can, hoping and praying to make an impact on you.

So the question is real simple, are you like Steve the Construction Worker who awoke on many mornings for many years just like this:

Confusion awoken me as I laid cold stone still, bewildered to where I was while this insidious uneasiness of paralyzing fear engulfed all that I had become on this cold isolated moment in time. While the searing ricocheting pain bounced from one side of my head to the other, I thought for a moment that someone was beating my head with a sledge hammer. Back and forth back and forth because the pain wouldn’t go away, never again Never Again I promised one more time to never drink again. Wondering what in the fucking world had happened to me, could this outlandish painful nightmare even be real that I was experiencing? I knew as I laid there shuttering that it was real, it was an experience I had suffered many miserable times before.

Not being able to remember the activities of the night before, nor where I had been. To be honest not even caring, I only wanted the pain and nausea to go away.

As I laid there trying to pry open my eyes that for some reason had been glued together, I couldn’t budge them no matter what I did. Blinded to the world that lay in front of me, I was being held captive inside a quagmire of my own making. This imprisoned dungeon with no exits was not allowing me to escape; I was being trapped against my own will. What have I done this time? What the fuck have I created as shame overwhelmed me like a darkened blanket of humiliation? If only I could die somehow I thought to myself, if only I could bring this miserable fucking life I live to some kind of end.

No, like so many other times before this was my life; this was the future that I chose years before to pursue. A future that held no ending, an anguished self-induced destiny that would be riddled with heart wrenching torments and misery. I knew that I would journey forever more through this maze, a web that would tack its own delusional course in its own time in its own way. A sickened destiny that I willingly contributed to, yet a calling that would over time rob me of everything that I was or hoped to be.

The swirling movement of the bed one way then the other forced my arms to reach out for balance, stabilizing me from falling out of bed. The movements became more severe with each moment that passed, while nauseas overcame me. Sensing that a sickness was about to come, dreading what it meant. Gripping both sides of the bed with all the force I could muster, I couldn’t make the rocking go away. I couldn’t make what I created the night before go away while drifting in and out of wakefulness.

Feeling it down inside the innards of my stomach as I tried to raise my head, I needed to get up and to the bathroom as quick as possible as nature was about to visit. Rocking back and forth I rolled out of bed onto my knees, and then started crawling toward the filthy toilet. Would I make it I wondered, only God could know the answer to that question? The rubbing of the abrasive rug upon my exposed skin burnt and left its ugly mark on my body, yet determination drove me toward the inevitable which was soon to appear.

Lifting my face up over the filthy toilet bowl I no longer could control the pent up eruption that soon was flowing, knotting inside my intestines knots while the dry heaves overtook me. How long can this misery last, there can’t be anything left inside me to throw up I thought. Then the dreaded shame over took me like a burglar in the night, and visited me this horrible self-demoralizing morning. I was to sick and weak to even care when the shit leaked out of my ass and down my leg, so I just knelt there and allowed nature to take its course. I had brought myself to this place of shame and disgust, yet I had no idea how to stop or change it.

Lowering my head further down into the bowl of shame I allowed the tears to flow from my eyes, wanting them to somehow wash away the evilness and vile crude that was imprisoned inside of me.

With all the might inside of me I could muster my trembling hands gripped the sides of the filthy bowl, determined to force myself to stand again. Knowing any second that my legs could buckle underneath me, I didn’t allow it to undermine me. I needed to stand for no other reason than my own self-respect, somehow to make myself whole again. Bracing the wall to my left I stood there motionless while my legs quibbled back and forth, just a few more minutes I thought and I would be okay. Not wanting or capable of hurrying I allowed the whirling motion inside of me to settle down; I needed to somehow right this sunken ship.

Then all of a sudden I saw this horrific nightmarish creature staring back at me from inside my mirror, a gaunt pathetic skeletal reflection of a dead human being. A person that I had once known but now had evolved into a total disgrace to all that I ever hoped to be. The gaunt sunken eerie eyes no longer affected me, or the pale skin that seemed to wrap it ugliness around my whole being. The wretchedness of what I was witnessing kept me glued to the insidious image plastered across my mirror; I couldn’t pull my eyes away no matter how hard I tried. Never again never again I screamed to myself, I just wanted to forget what I brought and created for myself and my family.

Even with my shuttering eyes fully opened this morning I knew there wasn’t anybody home inside, I knew at that moment in time I had evolved into an empty shell of a man. My erratic heartbeat felt like it was going to rip open my chest or blow a hole deep inside my body, as my body stood and shook. Yet distinctly I knew I was morally, mentally, and spiritually dead. I had finally become what I detested the most in my pathetic isolated world; I had become a replica of what my father had become.

If I could just get a tomato beer to drink, a cold beer would help me to feel better. Anything to make this misery go away, yet I was found wanting and desolate in my own demise in my own home.

In that miserable convoluted moment of time I found myself, I swore no matter what happened I would never ever take another drink. A promise I had made a million billion times before to myself and to my family, a promise I knew I probably would never be able to keep.

Soon after my wife was to return home, a home that I ran her and my children out of the night before. When we met in the hallway I couldn’t lift my head to look her in the eyes, the shame that had riddled my body wouldn’t allow me that simple task. But the words she spoke had a ringing lasting ramification, a resounding gutter torture sound that ripped my heart from one side to the other. Words that no matter how long I live will never be able to be washed away, because they are words she utters to me every time I get drunk. Do you know what you did last night Steve? I always had the same answer, no, no I don’t. I don’t because most of my drunks end in a Blackout, a state of forgetfulness and loss of memory.

But as I stood there in shame, I knew one thing and I knew it more than anything else. Before the sun set that night I would be drunk again, matter of fact I would be drunk as soon as I could manipulate a way to go get drunk. The drive and obsession drove me toward destruction, a daily routine that dictated my treacherous out of control behavior.

Or maybe you are Douglas the small business owner who is a drug addict struggling to keep his life in order, and his landscape business going. A person who awakens every morning to the same ugly morning but a different nightmare than me? An individual who has created an addiction that now controls his whole life, not only his life but his family’s life also. From the time he awakes in the early morning until he falls off to sleep in the evening, his whole purpose is to feed that monkey that he can’t shake. Just another sad statistic that life somehow etched its ugliness across his decaying life, leaving a deep ugly invisible scar that soap will never ever be able to wash away.

Douglas the guy as a young boy smoked weed with his friends in the neighborhood, just so they wouldn’t make fun of him and he could be cool. It wasn’t long before he was drinking cold beers with his buddies at the Friday night football games and snorting coke. The same individual who woke one day to find out drug addiction had come and took control of his life, a control that he never intended of relinquishing. Yet there he found himself like so many other before him, chasing that euphoria dream that never is going to happen. It is a sickening disgusting revelation to come to terms with your own reality; you have somehow become what you swore would never happen. A drug addict addicted to heroin and cocaine.

You knew it way before you even admitted to it, like when you were stealing money out of your mom’s purse when she was sleeping. Or some of your dad’s tools could be found at the local Pawn Shop, the tools that he couldn’t remember where he left them. Yes there were many indications in those early years, signs that you really no longer wanted to admit to. Creating that shame and guilt that overwhelmed you, but the cravings drove you to forget what you didn’t care to remember.

The sneaking out in the middle of the night to go commit a burglary or rob someone wasn’t that bad; well it wasn’t as bad as your Flue like symptoms you were experiencing. Or those muscle aches and cramps you couldn’t make go away while you were craving your favorite drug. None of it bothered you anymore; it might have bothered you at one time but not anymore.

You were already to the point of no return, so it made you question all the things you were experiencing. Were all the people staring at you, or were you just paranoid? Was the sweating you seemed to go through every day normal, or was it just from those Flu like symptoms? Nobody could feel this bad you thought, as the diarrhea kicked in and you starting vomiting where you couldn’t stop.

The only thing to stop the abdominal cramps was another fix another hit, so the reoccurring revolving Merry-Go-Round would spin continuously day after day year after year. The more that it spun the more you needed a fix, the more you needed a fix the more it spun. Let me off let me off this fucking thing you screamed into the empty voids, but there was no one there to hear your noise. There was no one to stop the spinning.

You weren’t sure when the depressions showed up; they just came like uninvited guests into your miserable life. Guests that you would have never invited home, yet they were there every day to haunt you to remind you of what you created and what you were.

Maybe that is why you desired to die more and more each day, even the drugs couldn’t make this misery go away. You would go to bed praying to somehow die during the night, yet find out in the morning that your prayer wasn’t answered. A sickening rage would engulf you, the one thing you wanted more than anything wasn’t even possible. If only you could get the nerve to do it yourself, but inside you were a coward and you knew it. Suicide wasn’t an option, even though you prayed it could be.

You now lived to feed your pathetic neighborhood dealer and he lived his slimy life to supply drugs to you. The sun glasses you wore each day couldn’t hide the tearing, the agitation, or even all the anxieties you felt daily, they only created a crippling shade of illusions between you and the real world that you tried with all your soul to hide from.

You had become what you swore so many years before you would never let happen to you, you became the Heroin addict, the Cocaine addict, an addict addicted to all kinds of illegal drugs. A person locked up inside of his own self-made prison, a prison with no doors out. Knowing distinctly that you had been sentenced to a life of misery and shame, a life that no matter what you did you wouldn’t be able to escape from.

Maybe friend you are not Douglas or Steve but you are somebody completely different, you are Dempsee where one day fate completely changed her life. Back when that innocent doctor gave her her first prescription of pain medication, a medication that would slowly alter her life. Innocent enough supplements to help her get through a rough patch she was experiencing because of a car accident, something to kill off the continuous pain until her injuries were healed.

A time that she felt different because of an accident she experienced as a young girl, a time when life left its ugly darkened mark upon her life. A saddened gloomy time when destiny would alter the world she would spend the rest of her life in, altering it in such a horrible way she could never fathom it in her wildest imagination.

She never dreamt in her wildest imagination that one day her biggest thought would be to take these magical wonder pills as soon as she awoke, to get them inside her body ASAP. She couldn’t even have dreamt that the little prescription from the doctor not so long ago would lead to this quagmire, yet here she found herself another day just like all the other days before with the same dilemma the same nightmare.

How could this possibly be she wondered as she patiently waited for the effects of the medication to take over, medication that she couldn’t live with or she couldn’t live without. As she lounged around the house and the edge slowly started dissipating, her twisted mind was already anticipating her next legal dosage. Like so many other times it was usually way sooner than the doctor prescribed recommendations. She discovered like many others like her most times by the time she was feeling the full effect of the pills, she was already anticipating the next round of dosage.

She spent her day wondering to herself if and when she was going to run out, so like an meticulous accountant she would count every pill left in the prescription bottle one pill at a time after she took her first dosage. But with each counting of inventory the horrific anxiety only grew worse, she already knew she would be sick until she had that new prescription in her hands. It had become a revolving rotating Merry-Go-Round that she couldn’t find a way off, a darkened prison of her own making.

Then as fate would have it she would get her new prescription, it was a huge relief to just be able to hold it in her hands. She knew from past experiences even if it was only for a few moments that her world would be okay, then that horrible Merry-Go-Round would start spinning again.

When she woke each day she already knew what she would face, her time was etched through misery and shame. It was always the same embarrassment, humiliation, and self-loathing she created for herself, a darkness she didn’t even know existed. She dreaded all her waking hours’ even while intoxicated under the medications; she couldn’t escape the sickening emotions that reality brought to her. There never was nor would there ever be enough opiates that could dull those sickening feelings, it was a truth that she couldn’t hide from no matter what she did.

Sleep became her sweet sister of death, a safe depressed isolated haven only for the injured. A special place she discovered for herself to hide in, a place where nobody could hurt her or get to her. Sleep became a second love for her, a love that was beyond even the magical wonder pills. She wished and prayed every time she went to sleep that she would never wake again, yet destiny was not done playing it horrible hoax upon her.

The combination of everything left a residual of fear that was so horrible you couldn’t even describe it, paralyzing her with every decision in her life she had to make. Fear of going to sleep, of not waking up, staying on the pills, or getting off of the pills, fear of success and fear of failure. The pills even created a humongous fear that became afraid of the fear, but she couldn’t tell which fear was devouring her miserable isolated life.

Yes you might find that you are Dempsee strung out on Doctor prescribed Opiates, or you might even be that boy or girl who find themselves addicted to all the substances above.

Not as unthinkable or unlikely as you might think. In this day and age people who use substances to escape the awkward realities of life don’t care what they have to take, whatever is available or whatever is the cheapest. Many of us find ourselves taking anything that will alter the way we think because of our compulsive obsessive personalities. We take whatever we can get whenever we can get it. Our hangovers are nothing more than (Hangover---Something that has survived from the past) reminders of the pathetic world we have created for ourselves.

In the old days people loved to distinguish themselves from one group or the other, like somehow it justified what they had become. The miserable drunk always felt they were above the rest of the abusers. Even though they all chased the same demons every day, when you are hooked it doesn’t matter what you are hooked on.

Chapter 2:---Identifying

If you find yourself reading this book and discovered you identify with one or all three of these characters Steve, Douglas, or Dempsee (Identifying---Consider to be equal or the same), there is a high probability that some decisions may be needed to be made in your life. This is a precarious place in life most humans care not to find themselves, yet as life sometimes does we still find ourselves where we don’t want to be.

You might even consider the truth that I am about to share with you, information that I’ve ascertained over a period of forty years of sobriety. That may or may not assist you. Materials gathered along a journey that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, yet information that allowed me to change a broken life into one of triumph.

To suggest that a person is an alcoholic or drug addict just because they had some bad experiences like I described above would not only be a lie, but it would be very misleading to those reading this book. Many people in life drink alcohol and experience hangovers; some indulge themselves into drug use and at times find themselves in uncomfortable situations. Yet with real alcoholics and addicts these times become a way of life. These hangovers and compulsive urges are reoccurring revolving symptoms of deeper problems, more serious than just a little discomfort. If we are experiencing them on a weekly daily basis they are signs, indications that maybe we have went beyond the line of no return. Our obsessions have taken us to this dark place, a place of isolated gruesome misery.

Thirty-nine years ago I found myself inside this exact quagmire, strapped to an endlessly reoccurring revolving merry-go-round with no way off. I am hoping by sharing with you my own experiences I can somehow convince you there is a way out. A way out no matter which one of those three you might be, no matter how bad of shape you are in.

You may even be wondering if this is just another addiction book about Alcoholics Anonymous, or a spiritual book to help you save your soul. Well, no it isn’t even though I do believe strongly in the great thing that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and Religious Organization accomplish. This is a book that I hope will somehow convince you that there is a way for you to change your life. Even if now you say you don’t want to, or that you are okay with the way you live.

I do understand the protest, the hesitation. Heck I did the hesitation and protesting a long time ago myself, it isn’t as unusual as you might think. Hell nobody wants to quit drinking or taking drugs who uses them, why in Gods world would they want to give up stuff that makes them feel so great every day until it doesn’t work anymore?

We only become ready to quit once our lives are so miserable we can’t stand it any longer, and then grudgingly we become receptive to some kind of change. I am hoping if you are reading this book that your life is a complete wreck, that you are one of those individuals who might consider what I am about to tell you.

Having nothing to lose in life gives me some freedoms, so with that said I am going to be as brunt with this book as I possibly can. Some of you might find yourself offended, but all of you will know I am telling you the truth. The beauty of it is you won’t have to go on the Dr. Phil show nor attend a unwanted Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Heck you won’t have to lay bare your soul to your family physician all your short comings, or even confess your wrongs to your family. Your decisions one way or another when you get through reading this book will enlighten a darkness that has held you captive for a very long time. You will not have to do anything that you don’t want to do.

I am not going to take my time and fill this book up with statistic that you probably wouldn’t believe anyways, nor do you care about. Usually authors use information like that to fill up space and make it sound like they know something that they may or may not know. Here is a truth that is real to anybody who lives on this planet, alcoholism and drug addiction is at a pandemic level in our society. Millions of kids and adults are dying yearly because of their addictions. Family members and even the government don’t know what to do to stop it, they have no idea where to even start.

Hell we are at a point where almost every human knows somebody or someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs, most of us know someone who has died from these horrible addictions. No longer can we just act like we don’t know what is going on around us, we can’t hide underneath the blanket and pretend it is not affecting us.

These addictions are costing our society not millions of dollars, but they are costing us billions of dollars in lost revenues. Let’s be honest again, the majority of people who are addicted could care less about what these costs are. They have one objective when they get up in the morning, which is to get loaded or drunk anyway that they can.

The biggest lost to society is the damage that they do to themselves, never being able to reach their true potential of what they were to become. Most people who use or abuse any kind of substance are highly resourceful and intelligent people, which is a known fact. Only God could know what some of these people could have or should have become, don’t become one of these negative statistic.

The pain that they inflict upon family members is excruciating to say the least; I am not going to say they don’t care because they do care very much. The abusers will leave the impression that their stupid actions don’t bother them, but in all honesty it bothers them very much. The fix or the drink becomes very easily their top priority, if their family gets in the way of getting that, oh well. But in reality what they want more than anything in the world is to be clean or sober, they would give anything they have to accomplish that simple thing. Don’t ever let them think it doesn’t matter to them, because it matter very much to them.

The lost productivity from employment, the thievery, the cost of incarceration, medical expenses, the list could go on forever and ever. Huge amounts of money are spent because of the abuses, that’s not even counting the actual cost of the booze or drugs. Add it all up and most people wouldn’t believe the total cost of substance abuse.

The biggest cost is the pain they leave behind upon society, a pain that can never be erased or washed away. Ugly marks left upon family members and society as a whole, indentations of ugliness to always remind us that they were there. Reflections of another time, a time when life wasn’t as ugly as it might be now.

That is why I have decided to write this book that will be so different on this subject matter, different than most books you would read. Yet it will be a book that will shadow the life of an Alcoholic or Drug Addict, a book that will give them a way out. That is if they chose to take that way out.

So ask yourself and be honest with yourself for once in your life, which one of those characters are you? Are you all three, or maybe just the drunk, or the drug addict, or the doctor prescribed one society thinks is okay. Chances are you are one of them if you are reading this book, or you are a family member of an abuser if you have this book in your hands.

It is very important that we know who we are and where we are going, otherwise how will we know how to get there or where we are going? Many times in life we like to think we are something that we aren’t, we like to think we are better than we really are. All that does is bring hurt emotions or a confused state of mind. Emotions and a mind that will entice us to over use alcohol or drugs, anything to make the uncomfortableness or awkwardness go away.

There is a reason we get addicted to substances, there is a reason we stay addicted to them. So the identifying who we are is only a beginning to the road of freedom we all seek, a map that has been carved out with our tortured souls.

Chapter 3:---Victims

It is a known fact that addictive people of all stripes have many characteristics that are similar to one another, one of which most feel they are victims of life. They feel if life had only been a little bit different for them, they are so sure things would have worked out better or different for them. Thinking they could be like this person or that person if they were just born into a specific family, never realizing that those perfect families have their own problems also.

They could have fixed many problems if they only had the money or only the opportunities, no you couldn’t nor would you. Your difficulties don’t arise from the fact that you lacked money or opportunities; they arose because you are an alcoholic or an addict. It has nothing to do with your station in life, or your material wealth. Victimization is only a state of mind (Victim---A person who is tricked or swindled,) you are responsible for your own state of mind no matter if someone tricked you or not. Hell you tricked yourself thinking you found some magic cure for your awkwardness, a cure that would fix all that ails you.

I am sick and tired of hearing that same fucking excuse if only, you are who you are and where you are by all your prior decisions. Nobody and I mean nobody dictated how you would become, you made that decision yourself. Grow up for once in your life and quit blaming others with your lame excuses. We are not looking for excuses here people, we are looking for a way for you to change that broken life you live in.

Living forever in a perpetually of if only, if only this if only that, is not only exhausting it will wear on you. After years of this type of mentality, it will eventually become imbedded deep down inside your brain. Thinking like this gives you the abuser the everlasting excuse to stay loaded or drunk, other words the exact excuse that you are looking for. This type of person refuses to grow-up and take responsibility for their own actions. Usually a normal person will expose symptoms of this kind of behavior in their formative years, people like us expose during our whole life.

This kind of immaturity which has stifled so many abusers over time will become detrimental to you in your hopes of rehabilitation. Many of you people are living in grownup bodies, yet inside of you lives a person that is very immature and childish. It becomes very difficult to get a grown man or woman to function as an adult, when in all reality they are only really children inside.

It is one of the main reasons family members have such difficulty understanding their substance abusers, because they see you as grown up adults. Yet in reality most of the time you act like little children, children that you would see on a school yard. You have heard it just like I have heard it a million times, why don’t you grow up and act your age. To the abuser they are acting their age, they just haven’t accepted the fact that they have a mentality of a twelve year old child. The good news is that this can change and reverse itself; the person over time can eventually mature to their normal age.

All the alcoholics and drug addicts I have talked with over time say the same thing, that when they started taking drugs or drinking time just stopped for them. I know it is true for the simple fact that is exactly what happened to me, I started drinking around thirteen years of age and everything stopped. My maturity level didn’t proceed again until I stopped abusing myself with drugs and booze at twenty-nine years of age. It was one of my biggest desires and grandest dreams, for my mind to catch up one day with my body.

Not sure when it happened but I do remember saying to myself one day, I think my mind and body are finally the same age. If I am not mistaken I think it was around twenty years of sobriety when this happened and yes I was getting better all along those twenty years.

If you think this state of mind is not powerful or deceiving you are kidding yourself, this reality I refused to accept or to understand until I aged into my middle thirties. Looking back it is funnier than hell, but living with and through it was and is horrifying. It answers so many questions for me now that I am older; yes adult things and responsibilities scared the hell out of me. Why wouldn’t they after all I was only thirteen years old in a thirty year old body.

You have seen these kinds of people in junior high and high school, oh I forgot to bring my homework to school. I had everything done and my little sister tore it up, I didn’t have enough time to redo it. On test days at school they are always sick, always coming up with a new lame excuse.

As they grew older you would think surely their attitude and mentality would have changed, no it didn’t change it only got worse. They usually turn out to be the worse employees, yet they are the best employee. They work very hard until they aren’t capable of working hard; they live inside a world of counter dictions. They have an excuse for everything that happens to them in their lives, it is never their fault. It is never their fault when they miss work, they always have an excuse. They will get indignant when you don’t accept their excuses, or bullshit.

It is their way of deflection from the trouble that they find themselves in, a childish excuse for an adult situation.

I will quit drinking after this weekend when my booze runs out, just one more beer and I am done with this shit. I only have enough drugs for three days, I will not be buying anymore after this stuff is all gone. The addictive person is always projecting to another time, but in reality they are monitoring how much money of alcohol they have left. The greatest fear of any alcoholic or drug addict is that they will run out before they want to, always desiring to at least get through that night without running out.

If you think your stash might not last through the night, then it was time to scale back or reduce your intake. It is amazing that they can’t pay a simple telephone bill, but I guarantee you they will figure out how to make that booze or drugs last through the night.

You can bet one thing over everything else that the alcoholic will always have, they will always have somebody that will cater to their addiction with them. It isn’t that they want to use or abuse these people; it is because they are very immature and childish. Like a baby needs its mother, addictive people need their mothers also. So they are liable to make anybody into their mothers who will cater to them, they will become very dependent on those that are around them.

Early in my sobriety I discovered I was a habitual victim, a state of mind I am not proud to admit to. As time went by and I worked toward sobriety I was able to mature, this maturity allowed me to start taking responsibility for my own actions. Responsibility and self-respect are great goals to achieve, goals that are obtainable for people like us.

Chapter 4:---Awkward

Who hasn’t felt awkward in their lives at one time or another, exactly everybody has. It is really an embarrassing experience to say the least, a time most would love to just forget about if they could. Awkward---“Not at ease socially, unsure and constrained in manner”, well without a doubt that is me.

I think as far back as I can remember, I have always felt that awkwardness in my life. When I moved into my teenage years, it seemed to just escalate to a different level. Looking in retrospect when I was thirteen years old I thought something was wrong with me, I was positive nobody could feel or think at unease like I did.

I was to learn later much later when I grew older that the way a thirteen year old feels is normal, hell they all feel weird at that age. It is part of the normal age process we all go through; my problem was I was going to disrupt my process.

What I didn’t know then that I know now that what I experienced during my first night of drinking is normal, even most of the incidences like throwing up, dry heaves, acting stupid, and even the black-out are normal occurrences for a teenage drinker.

Yet when that big bang theory launched my life into a new atmosphere that glorious night, it did more than those few laughable moments. It did something for me that I wasn’t capable of doing no matter what I tried. It took away the awkwardness and replaced it with normalcy for the first time in my life, it allowed me to experience something that I thought was impossible.

It was almost like I was beside myself; I couldn’t believe what I was experiencing. Kind of like for a few moments anyways I was all grown up, I had understanding of all these world problems. Inside where I lived I felt at ease with myself, how was that even possible I wondered to myself?

Magical this stuff was, absolutely fucking magically. I might have got sick and threw up all over the park that dark night, I already knew distinctly that alcohol and I would be together again, ASAP.

Just like any other night of drinking, there always is the moment of truth. Well my moment of truth came in the morning, I woke up feeling like shit but my desire to experience another moment like the night before was still inside my head.

As I waited for my older brother to wake up and my friend to come over, I realized that the awkwardness that I thought I rid myself of the night before had returned. It not only returned but it brought a feeling of guilt with it. If I could only escape these icky feelings again, go to that place where I felt normal again.

It would be a few more weeks before we would be able to secure more alcohol for ourselves, a moment we impatiently waited for. What I didn’t know then but I know now is heart breaking, that first night of drinking alcohol would change my life forever. It would unleash demons inside of me, demons in such a way I wouldn’t be able to fathom them no matter how hard I tried.

That awkwardness I felt the night before I took my first drink was now frozen in a time lock. A time lock that would stay locked until I was able to quit drinking some sixteen years later. I was locked inside a prison I created with my own behavior, a prison that allowed no way out except by the abstaining from alcohol.

Bad enough to be stuck in awkwardness with no way out, but without alcohol I had no way to combat it. So I did what I did best when I was confronted with difficult situations in my life, I learned how to run from them. People, places, and things where I didn’t feel comfortable, I just escaped them to keep them from holding me back, The alcohol lit a fuse that wouldn’t be able to be put out, a fuse that would chart its own course over time.

Put me anywhere I didn’t feel comfortable, it wouldn’t take long and I would make up some stupid excuse to leave. After summer was over and I went back to school, I found if I didn’t feel comfortable there I just cut class. Another negative behavior in my life was being honed in, and to be honest with you I didn’t give a shit. I was not about to let this awkwardness disrupt my life, even though it was dictating a life that I wasn’t capable of understanding.

As I grew older the awkwardness grew more descriptive, and I found myself running faster from it or drinking more alcohol to make it disappear. The only problem with those high skilled techniques of mine, the more alcohol I drank the worse the awkwardness became. So I did the only think any normal intelligent person would do, I just drank more and more and more and more. That technique to say the least did not work for me, it only made things worse.

Then the stupid fucking Merry-Go-Round was created, a circus ride that I created myself that wouldn’t let me off. I was a prisoner upon this circular never stopping Circus Ride, the only way off was the abstaining from the alcohol. These are realities that I would not learn until way after I quit alcohol and drugs for good.

These realities of awkwardness, cutting school, or just plain running from life aren’t what caused my alcoholism. No they were just distorted symptoms I discovered along the way on my journey to recovery, symptoms that were magnified by the booze and drugs I took on a daily basis.

The more I drank the less it would take away the awkwardness, the less it would take away the awkwardness the more I drank to overcome that deficiency. The more I drank the worse the deficiency would become, the worse the deficiency became the more I needed to drink. I was stuck on a course that only grew worse each day I lived, a course with no way off.

As I understand now, I didn’t drink for the booze. I drank for the awkwardness that was out of control inside of my life, a sick sad feeling that I couldn’t control no matter what I did. I was on that circus ride that I never could figure out, but now I completely understand.

Chapter 5:---Trapped

One of the greatest controversies about alcoholism and addiction, is there really a difference between these people and normal people? For me it is a resounding hell yes, a yes without any doubt. Some might even say that this is no more than being a victim, that this is no more than a simple excuse. I am going to be honest with you about this subject; I fought this same question myself for many years. I had a hard time excepting the fact that alcohol controlled me, and I didn’t control it.

First thing I didn’t like the ideas that I was weaker or somehow different than my fellow man. I just couldn’t accept that simple fact. But over time life had a way of proving me wrong, like everything else I had to learn it all the hard way.

Think about this, I have nothing to gain or to lose by making such a statement like this. I have over forty years of sobriety and have lived a very successful life. I fought the demons like hell not to be different than the other men, it broke my heart and I had a hell of a time accepting that simple truth. The alcoholic is definitely hard wired differently than the average person, and I suspect that the drug addict is no different. I knew at thirteen years of age that alcohol and I would have a long intimate love affair, a love affair that over time would almost completely destroy my life

What I didn’t know then but I do know now was that my awkward emotions where normal thirteen year olds emotions, I felt strange in them and thought something was wrong with me. The first night I got drunk it released those very immature emotions, bringing in a fake euphoria that convinced me that finally I was normal. A fake euphoria that I just knew I had to experience over and over and over again. It also froze in time that thirteen year old awkward emotionally disrupted boy, keeping me from maturing like a normal person until the day I finally quit drinking.

These trues are just realities that I learned over time, over sober time. I imagine it is the same reality for the drug addict, stuck in their immaturity. There is a reason our behavior is so childish most time, this is probably why.

Even without realizing it then I was trapped in a snare, a snare I wasn’t capable of escaping from. (Trapped---Forced to turn and face attackers.)

The part that is funny that first night of drinking I didn’t even like the taste of it, I had a black out and became horribly sick. To make it even worse if that was possible, I threw up all over the park. Yet alcohol was able to do for me what I wasn’t able to do for myself that night. It instantly became my equalizer in life, even with the negative experiences it gave me a freedom I didn’t know. I lived until that time inside a dark scary awkward society, a place I shuttered in if I had to expose myself. Alcohol was my doorway out from that awkwardness.

Drinking alcohol that night allowed me to come out of the darkness to come out of the awkwardness, a new freedom that I never knew before. Just turning thirteen was a very isolated type feeling, I was very uncomfortable in who I was. Being a teenager and sober was a very awkward scary situation for me, alcohol allowed me to periodically escape from that environment. It was a place where I didn’t understand the language, a place where monsters lived that were after me. I was trapped inside this horrible scary lonely place, and alcohol became the only key for me to escape it. It became my panacea for everything in life, it became my first love.

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