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even if.

bits and pieces from the heart of Umm Zakiyyah


even if.

bits and pieces from the heart of Umm Zakiyyah

By Umm Zakiyyah


Copyright © 2017 by Al-Walaa Publications.

All Rights Reserved.


ISBN: 978-1-942985-14-3

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017962772


Order information at uzauthor.com/bookstore


Published by Al-Walaa Publications

Gwynn Oak, Maryland USA




An Introduction To My Heart



I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to write a memoir, but if I were to write one, this book would be the introduction.

This humble collection is borrowed from the tears and rage of my life, and I honestly have no idea if I’ve said too little or too much.

Maybe I’ve done a bit of both.


Umm Zakiyyah

November 30, 2017




Table of Contents



An Introduction To My Heart

My Emancipation Proclamation and Declaration of Independence

Heart 1: trauma.

Heart 2: Anger.

Heart 3: surviving.

About the Author

Also By Umm Zakiyyah




From a grateful, hurting heart.




My Emancipation Proclamation

and

Declaration of Independence



Till death do us part,

I shall keep the ties,

but cut the noose.



baggage.

everyone is carrying a story.

but only a few will allow the pen to break their souls

wide open.



Confessions.

My story is coming out in hiccups of pain, anger, and shame. And with each confession, I feel little more terrified and

a little more free.




heart 1

trauma.




blood and faith.

the two sacred ties.

we bound them around our hearts

hoping for love and belonging

yet the tie becomes a noose

suffocating the heart

until it grapples for life


my storybook.

once upon a home, there was a little girl who laughed

and danced and loved

even if her cheek stung from pain

even if her heart trembled in fear

even if no one was there



prayer.

my lord, forgive me

my lord, forgive me

my heart sometimes goes numb

from the pain of the little girl

who lost her home

because she took refuge in you



man.

you taught me about God

and said He’s more important

than anyone

and anything.

and I believed you—

but forgive me

because

I never knew—

that “God” was a synonym

for you.




envy.

with angry hearts,

they tear down the walls of my home

searching in the rubble

for some semblance

of self-worth

of faith




clarity.

nothing clears the heart like a shot through the chest.



epiphany.

nothing clears the head like a smack to the face.



home.

where the heart is

not

home.

but home is safe.

home is hurt

and hurt is

home.




where the heart is.

hurt is humility

hurt is holy

hurt is safe



sin.

I smile

then repent

for the sin

of happiness

sans them




homeless girl.

my lord, help me

my lord, help me

I’m holding her hand

but I need someone to hold mine



homeless shelter.

prayer



eviction notice.

hope



suicidality.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean to exist.

I swear, I had nothing to do with it.




blood ties.

what a truth that is!

but I’m trying to break free.




faith.

I’m doing it for your own good, they said.

and I believed them.



dreams.

I love love.

it is so beautiful.

I wish I could have a family and community full of it.



dominos.

and one by one,

I learned that the people

I thought cared for me

didn’t.




myth.

unconditional love

oxymoron.

love me



memories.

I used to laugh, sing, and dance

now

I sit in a trance

wondering

if I have strength to stand



lost.

I carry my heavy heart with me wherever I go.

it strains my back and staggers my breath.

but the world would never know.

they think I’m smiling for the camera.

but I’m just gritting my teeth.

they think I’m writing a book.

but I’m just searching for relief.




pain published.

people ask me how I find time to write.

I honestly don’t know how to answer that question.

it’s like asking someone how they find time to breathe.

it’s what I have to face after I exhale that I can’t quite

figure out.



book of deeds.

actions are judged based upon the intentions of the one performing them—not the criticism of the one finding fault in them.





book of needs.

love.

family.


and still.

she loves them.


a good mistake.




compassion.

what does that mean?


that which everyone deserves.


except you.




wrong.

anything you say

anything you do



being you.


right.

anything you don’t say

anything you don’t do.



always

what you should have done,

always

what you should have said,

even if you did already



amnesia.

the condition that overtakes them any time you do

anything good.



memory.

the mental recall that is activated

every time

you

make a mistake.




good.

whatever they do


bad.

whatever you do




disrespect.

waking up.

breathing,

existing.

thinking.

believing.

speaking.

being you.



crime.

existing without their permission or approval



adab.

the etiquette of disappearing yourself from existence.



patience.

humbly accepting the abuse.


religion.

whatever they say do, whatever they say don’t do



piety.

shutting up

and

shutting down



truth.

1. whatever they recall telling you

2. whatever they recall doing to you



lie.

your truth.




forgiveness.

what they demand as they deny what they’ve done.



repentance.

hoping they put you back together

after breaking you apart.



I’m sorry.

1. incantation recited to mark the commencement of the honeymoon period

2. what you say when they are wrong


honeymoon.

1. believing they’ll never hurt you again

2. you seeing hurt as love

and yourself as sin

and imagining you love your life this way


efforts. desperation.

I’m going to get it right

I’m going to get it right

next time

then they’ll love me



what’s wrong with me.

why don’t they love me?



infinity.

and still

her faith family rejects her

because her life offends their own


what if:

the hope you repent from when you imagine

a better life without them.



hope.

?





tough love.

when it’s more tough than love

then maybe it’s not love at all.



hurt people.

there are a lot of them in the world.

but I wonder how many hurt people

realize how many people

they’ve hurt.


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